I love when I finish the first draft of stories. In this case, I managed to finish up the first draft of the commission at 12,192 words. The word count is less important, as long as I reached the minimum of 10,000 words. Joys of being paid by the word, but I also reserve the right to go over when I think it is appropriate. Most of the time, I usually give them 10-20% more because the story needs it, but there are times when I almost double the length of a story, just because I need to the story out.

This commission is a good story, I think. But, it makes me feel really great when I can finish that first draft and check it into Subversion for an off-site backup. I’ll let it sit for a day or so, then clean up the bad English and smooth out some of the sentences before sending it over for review.

This is what makes me feel like a “real” writer. It is crude, writing for money, but it still feels good because I’m creating stories. I love taking someone else’s idea and wrapping it into something polished. Putting my spin on it and knowing that they’ll be reading something familiar and strange at the same time when they get my PDF. And the emotions they put into making the request, and the anticipation of seeing it in their mail box, will make it so much more intense when they read it. These stories aren’t for sitting on a shelf at Walmart or in a grand bookstore. They are creations that are written for one person and one person only. And it will, at least in part, fulfill only one person’s dreams.

I have to say, that is a “real” writer to me. Someone who can make a fantasy become just a bit more real for someone. Yes, it hasn’t made me famous or rich. Actually, it is also easier. I don’t have to please agents, publishers, and buyers. I just have to please one person at a time. While I’d love to inspire the fantasies of thousands, or tens of thousands, like the writers of my goals, I’m perfectly happy to do it one person at a time.

Now, just to get to the point where I always feel like a “real” writer. Instead of this flash of emotional high that, like all drugs, passes way too fast.

Today, I was blind-sided by an event that I didn’t even know was coming. A royalties check. In an envelope from Lulu. I didn’t even know they wrote one out, so it was a happy surprise that got me bouncing happily.

In the year since I republished MG, I managed to double the sales I made in the first four years. And mostly by word of mouth and not much else. This excites me, though it is, by far, a long shot from being what I would call a “proper” professional writer. Yeah, like a few digits short and a lot less fame.

It is also kind of depressing. I always hoped, in the back of my mind, that my writing skills for commissions would translate into a publicly published book that sold well. While I have a decent business writing commissions, it really isn’t translating into public sales or book offers.

I’m simply not there yet.

I want to be and I don’t want to give up on that. I love writing, that is to be true. But, being “awesome” for a commission or a story to a friend is so far away from being the indescribable awesomeness to get into the shelf at the book store or a table at a convention. I can’t help imagine Anton Strout staring at his book on the shelf (probably giggling a few times) or Dylan Birtolo re-reading his name on a panel at GenCon. I also was excited for Melanie Niles because she actually got something she could show off at a convention, though that sadly didn’t work as shining as either of us hoped. But, all those trials, all those things make it so much better for me. Because it is so real, and it is something I could easily see myself standing in their shoes. As I said, they are further along the path than me.

I’m almost envious of those writers who make it. But, I’ve always been horrible at feeling jealousy and envy. Instead, I just see it as a goal. I consider the writers I follow on LiveJournal to be those goals, mainly because I’ve seen the beginning of their careers and got to know them as a person. They are far ahead of me, on the path I want to take, but it is a path that is reachable. I’ve seen that doubt and fear and how they got through it. I haven’t gotten there yet. Standing at the furthest point I can see is Ursula K. Le Guin and Elizabeth Moon. They are probably one of the few people I really hold on a pedestal, mainly because they got me loving writing. But, I’d rather reach their point not as a fanboi but as a peer.

Now that is aiming high.

Good goal though.

Now, I want to write… too bad I have homework instead.

Got a bit of writing done after yesterday’s post. Actually, almost 2,500 words worth of writing. Which is great, because it gets me closer to being done with the commission and also because I could park myself on the couch next to Fluffy and write as she watched TV. And, I’m sad to say, I’m enjoying Castle a lot. Well, and the Red Green Show also. I missed Iowa, they actually know how to show the Red Green Show properly. You know, with good quality sound and audio.

This is a splatterpunk (horror) commission, so it was fun to watch Fluffy alternating between looking at my screen with curiosity and asking me to turn it away in the squicky parts. Even knowing there is blood and gore on my screen, she still reads it. Fun to watch her though. Occasionally, I’ll write, “You shouldn’t be reading this, Fluffy,” and she’ll laugh and turn away.

Sadly, I apparently lost my last commission check (money order actually). I set it aside to bring to the post office and I can’t find it. Yeah, it was one of the half off commissions, but still, money is money. I’m also going to change my discount structure a bit. I’m considering 1% off for every 10,000 words.