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Review of "Ultra-Violet"

Now, I'm fond of bad movies. I'm really fond of bad movies, but I saw this review on Venus Envy (a comic about bi, gays, lesbians, and transsexuals, so might not want to go there, but I love the emotions in the story):

'Ultra-Violet' was the movie I had actually been looking forward to seeing the most. It was bright and colorful, which is actually something I really like in a movie (that and shiny aluminum foil), and looked 'over-the-top' bad, which is always fun. I can say this much: If you want to see a bad action movie, DO NOT PAY FULL PRICE to see 'Ultra-Violet'; go to a matinee, sneak in, break in after hours and run your own screening, or just buy s $3 bootleg DVD on your next trip to Hong Kong, but don't (for the love of god and all things holy) send money to the people who made this movie, or they'll just use it to make more.

'Ultra-Violet' is set in a world where, I shit you not, the government created a highly-contagious virus that gives everyone who gets infected (and you can get infected by touching blood, being cried on, or possibly even from getting a dirty look, apparently; sort of a Fristian AIDS) super powers, and rather than say 'This is a great leap forward for mankind; we've developed a virus that makes us healthier and strong and universally attractive", they decide to go ape-shit, let the CDC take over the government, and start herding 'hemophages' into concentration camps... because apparently it's very, very easy to round up everyone in the world who is infected with the most contagious disease since the common cold. The kicker, though, is when we find out that the super-virus is actually VAMPIRISM, which is something they mention repeatedly throughout the story but never actually has any bearing on anything, because these vampires can walk around during the day, don't drink blood, and have no aversion to churches or even spicy food.

The movie has about ten minutes of dialogue, all slow, convoluted, and as painful to watch as it probably was to perform ("I have 700 armed men here gaurding me. What do you think you're going to do?" "Kill them!"). The evil, Nazi-esque guards all wear heavy gas masks, but never think to use GAS on the scantily-clad vampire chick who's mowing through them like an unruly lawn. The Magoffin is a ten-year-old boy whose dark secret changes every twenty minutes without fail. At one point, my girlfriend started laughing so hard and uncontrollably that she almost passed out, and the people sitting in front of us moved EIGHT ROWS up (ostensibly so that we didn't ruin the movie for them).

All of these things, you expect from a bad action movie, but....

As a first-year art student who despises her CGI classes, I should not sit in a movie theatre and think "Damn... I could do better than THAT". You go to bad action movies to watch corny, over-the-top action scenes, but the fights in 'ultra-Violet' weren't fun so much as funny. Half the guards at the CDC carry ONLY katanas, in a world where everyone FEARS A BLOOD-TRANSMITTED DISEASE... and they don't even really use them well. It's like they randomly hand out assignments every week to decide who gets a gun and who get a sword. There's never any question about whether or not Violet will win; She doesn't actually take a hit until the final boss battle, and even then she doesn't even start sweating, which takes away the tension (the only thing that normally keeps the comedy at bay in these movies) and the whole thing becomes more of an endurance trial than an action scene.

This is not a movie that was written, it is a movie that was randomly cobbled together from the screamings of a fifth-grade class. Possibly sixth grade. If you go see this movie, GO DRUNK.

So, to sum up: Low-budget foreign import about vampires: GOOD. High-budget domestic film about vampires: BAD.

Also, the state of the Union is NOT STRONG!