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I hate...

I hate that I can't do everything. Oh, the horrors. Yeah, I know. :P But, I like to be able to do things. I know the basics of building a house and I could probably get reasonable at it given a few chances. Same thing with publishing. I know how to edit, typeset, create covers and do illustrations. I can write (fairly well, I hope) and pretty much do everything from the first word to holding it in my hand. I haven't figured out how to get it into a bookshelf yet, but that is just a matter of time and networking, I think, and maybe a few more tasks that are tedious, frustrating, but otherwise doable.

But, I can't do everything. I've gotten in trouble for that, because I want to be able to do everything. A good example is drawing. The cover to MG was done because it was the style I want to have, but don't have. I've been trying to get good at drawing since I first started trying to write a computer game (almost 27 years ago). My dad is amazing at drawing and I feel a bit of envy (probably) for the talent it takes to do it; which I respond by trying to draw.

I just don't spent the effort working on it. I already suffer with this writing/programming switch. Adding drawing into the mess will dilute me even more. On top of everything else, I don't think I can do that. I do have some talent, looking at my sketchbooks, but it would take 5-10 hours a week to get good at that. And I just don't have that right now. :(

So, I need someone else to do it. And that is where the problem comes in. I work pretty much on hopes and dreams. I get 14 DPG (dreams per gallon) and work pretty much for free. At this point, writing isn't a career, its a hope and dream. Ditto with programming. Its really hard to find artists and musicians who have my level of talent in their respective fields who work on the same system. Let me correct myself, I have yet to find an artist or musician who works on the same system; I obviously get this from the open-source development side of things.

Doing it myself isn't an option. Its pretty obvious that I'm making choices myself on even the writer/programmer side of things. My Debian work has... pretty much gone down the tubes. I just don't do it anymore. I don't really chat online as much as I used to and the circles I was heavily a year ago have pretty much dried up. My writing is getting more important (yah), but at the cost of community programming (not so yah). Part of it is just the natural ebb and flow of life, more so since I view my existence as a river, but it is why I keep yearning to be an artist and musician, but don't really put effort into it. I already know I'll tear myself in half to do it, if comes to that and I love writing and programming too much.

And there is this whole moving to Iowa to have children thing. :) Last I heard, you can't put your kid in a hamster ball anymore for the first five years of their life.

For those who actually got through that whole tirade, I have a question. Do I blog too much? Fightertype says that my frequent posting is hard to keep up and the length of the postings make her want to just skip over them. And I don't know about anyone else; I am considering filtering out some of the topics that get crossposted to LiveJournal to make it more writerly and less angsty. But, I always like opinions on these type of things. I can't really do a separate LJ account though, because of limitations of the cross-poster.

I'm also going to be organizing some of my sites in the next month or so. Fluffy's sites are all sub-domains of brokentypewriterpress.com and I think it would be reasonable to do the same. I'm going to move my personal site to d.moonfire.us and make brokentypewriterpress.com more of a Moonfire portal site.