Haven't really been posting a lot, I know. I have been posting a bit more frequently on Twitter, mainly because it is a must more free-form medium and doesn't require heavy thoughts. Not to mention, I can post from my IM client which makes it easier.
Probably the main reason that I haven't been posting is because I don't think I have much to say. Yeah, most of it is emotional going on, but I think I'm finally getting tired of being a wannabe, but at the same time, I'm not actually doing much to not be a wannabe. It doesn't matter if it is a programmer, writer, or anything else. I keep saying I want to be something, but I'm focusing on getting through college and just getting through the weeks, not on really creating anything new.
GenCon does this to me. There are so many talented people out there who have done my dream. I see their books on the tables, chat with them on occasion and I love doing it. Even the people who write books I don't care for, I still put on a pedestal. They got there. They wrote something to put on a table. They sat on the table and did my dream. But, I can't help feeling that I'm just dancing on the edges. It reminds me of the old drumming circles at the festivals I've gone to. I spent so much time standing on the edge of the firelight because I was afraid to take that plunge.
Fluffy says it isn't nearly that bad. I've had almost continual writing commissions this year. It is actually the second best year I've ever had with commissions and she, repeatedly, tells me that I should be proud of that fact. Steady, repeat business writing. But, somehow, I still don't think I'm a "real" writer.
While unpacking my office (11 boxes and 5 meters worth of books left), I found two copies of MG in a box. One was the original publication and the other with the cover I commissioned myself and absolutely and utterly adore. It is like a medal sitting on my desk, a reminder that I did it once and I can do it again. Its a nice feeling, more so when Fluffy asked me to read it out loud to her at night.
I really try not to give up. And I'm not giving up. I'm still writing every week but I still feel that I'm not really doing anything.