In a few hours from now, 2024 ends. I don't have a lot of emotional attachment to the new year, mainly because it is just an abstract point of time for a calendar we've created over the centuries. But, it isn't a bad time to look back and see what I have and haven't done.

Overall, 2024 is probably my worst year ever. There was a lot going on, but I'm not going to go into the details of those because it doesn't really help anyone. Needless to say, it was rough for me, mentally and physically, professionally and personally. And a whole bunch of other “-ly” I can't really think about.

Warning: This isn't a happy or positive post.

Mental Health

2024 was the first time I've ever had a panic attack.

That was scary and I had to look at why it was happening. It was just “more of the same” as it were but I'm still trying to figure out what got me there. I think a lot of it is this feeling that I can't solve things anymore (Long Covid maybe) and everything is ten times harder than it used to be.

More importantly, I haven't been writing. I want to write, I want to write so badly. Writing makes me feel good but I've had this writer's block for a few years now and its beginning to dig into my thoughts. I have ideas in my head, but not the focus that isn't interrupted by obligations and deadlines.

This is also the year I've been pushed into the rubicon of being a individual contributor at work and a manager. That means 4-6 hours of Zoom meetings almost every single day. It starts at 08:30 with a 1:1 with my manager, goes into an ninety minute meeting with the developers, an hour of stand up, and then the “when we're done, I need Dylan” that follows. In most cases, I have less than a minute between meetings or I'm five minutes late for the next, so I don't get any break for four hours every day.

Like commuting, that meeting train is grinding me down. I'm struggling to be excited about programming because I'm just stagger from that train to try getting a half hour nap before going into the next set.

Something is going to break in 2025, I only hope it isn't me. More likely, I'm going to transition completely off programming and will no longer have the joy of refactoring code or getting it solved. It isn't going to help that politics are going to be digging into me, watching friends being afraid and hurt, and struggling through… everything.

Physical Health

2024 was when I found out that I had a dislocated disk which was digging into my spinal cord, which is why I've been in pain since March of 2023. The surgeon said it could be fixed, but I need to lose weight to get there. A lot of the tail end was just trying to dig through my backlog of obligations and needs so I could get the home exercise equipment working again. I'm still not there. I'm still trying to do that, the Cortisone shot only gave me a few days of relief, but then a slow slide back to where I want.

The main part is, I can barely pick up anything and have had to leverage Child.0 into picking things up. The good thing, I know what is causing the pain so I can stop. The bad part is that there is no exercise, no stretch, nothing that can prevent it other than losing weight, getting surgery, and hoping it gets better.

And not thinking about the catastrophic failure of my “routine” hernia surgery. Or the severe problems I had from my vasectomy.

Derecho

The 2020 derecho is still in my life, but we're so close to finally closing that chapter of our life. In January, we should be getting the “last” of the repairs done on the house.

Related, I got a letter this week from my insurance company about replacing my roof and needing deposits to register it. How can I provide that went the guy who did it stole twelve thousand dollars from me and walked away? It isn't like I can say “yeah, you know how you owe me a tremendous amount of money? Could I get a receipt? By the way, fuck you.”

I'm hoping between that, getting the final room done, and organizing my workshop (to integrate my late father's shop) will finally let me set everything aside. Thought, at this point, it feels like it has been burrowing in my skull for so long that I don't know how to live without it.

I'm hoping to find out.

Writing

The urge to write is coming back. I think it's finally time to focus on getting the culture library finished, figure out Second-Hand Dresses, and maybe design some covers. Or even finish Nor Curse Be Found, which has been hanging around for a while.

If anything, I want 2025 to be a year of being creative again. I want to write, I want to work on libraries, I want to make things and have that feeling of being satisfied with what comes out.

Plus handle my monthly obligations that never go away.

Coding

I want to polish up some of my libraries, including MfGames.Nitride and maybe put it out into the open. I have other libraries that have been hanging out (MfGames.Culture being one of them) that I need to buckle down and finish up.

Play

I'm hoping to play around more in 2025. Not just games with the children, but drawing, writing, and maybe building a kitchen cabinet.

Goals

I can't really say I have goals for the year though. Instead, I just have hopes that 2025 is going to be better than 2024. Beyond that, I'm not really planning or expecting anything, just a vague hope that it works out in the end and I find my smiles again.

There is only one way to find out.

Just keep swimming.

• Dory, Finding Nemo