Needless to say, I'm somewhat emo. Every time I get stressed out about writing, I get depressed. I struggle to keep writing with every rejection (got one today). I don't give up, but it gets harder when things get in the way. It is like writing through hard-set pudding; and not the good stuff, more like the thick crud I used to make during my experimenting cooking phase (e.g., ages 6 to 16).

Lately, this has manifested with FOTS. After the rejection a few months ago, I've not really been able to do much with it. I haven't wanted to edit it or do anything. I know there is something wrong, and I have an idea of what, but I just can't get the energy to crack open the file.

Strangely, a few people have told me to stop this. Actually, repeatedly in some cases. My dad was one of them, which completely surprised me. My other project is Author Intrusion (the grammar checker I'm writing). On a phone call, I was telling him that I was working on it. I figured it was a good thing since my father is a programmer and I'm a programmer and AI is a technically complicated problem. Out of the blue, he says this.

As long as you don't stop writing.

That surprised me. I figured he'd be more interested in programming and the joys that come up with it. That is what he does. But, he wanted to make sure I didn't stop writing. It wasn't until I reminded him that I'm doing 6-12k words a week on my serial that he relented. Even then, he kept bringing it up. Keep writing. Yeah, an editor is cute but its a waste of time. Just keep writing.

That came from an unexpected place, I'll tell you.

In the writing group, I've been getting encouragement from Mr. Ryan and Mr. Campbell. I'm sure both of them think I'm a broken record with my frustration, but they have both been incredibly patient with me. I know Mr. Campbell wants to publish FOTS, but he's also understanding in that I'm looking for something that he can't quite give me. But, it is nice to hear that he would publish it in a heartbeat.

As much as I think I'm a good writing, I know that I'm suffering from perfectionism. I want FOTS to be the greatest story I wrote, because I love it. But, as more than a few people have told me: finish and publish it or just give up. Mr. Birtolo is one of them and it has encouraged me to keep on writing, but I'm still balancing what I think is a great story with the hope/knowledge that I can make it great, if I just figure out the write combination.

I won't give up writing, but I'm definitely just dancing around things. Part of not finishing FOTS is that I think (hope) that AI will help me with my obvious flaws. But, as Mr. Sohl and my dad has mentioned, AI is a year or more work, just to find out if it will help me.

2012-08-27