déjà vécu

When I first moved from Iowa to Illinois, I did so after sending Fluffy off to Minnesota. It was both a painful and expected part of my life. I thought that sending the woman I loved to another state, for the reasons that made sense for everyone involved, would be painful, but it wasn't. Instead, it was one of those things where I watched the Uhaul drive away, went inside, and just... did nothing. Not upset, not depressed, just kind of blank.

Later, we started to talk to each other and I started flying her in for a weekend or so, picking her up at O'hare airport on a Friday and sending her off on Sunday. Each time, I gave her more roses than the time before, but it was a bittersweet time of love and romance, then this parting. Each time, the blankness came back as I drove from the airport, heading down the road alone.

Today was the first time we started doing this again. I'm glad I'm in Iowa and looking forward to starting work tomorrow. I even get a new land line. But, when I saw Fluffy heading out for Illinois, I wasn't upset, I wasn't angry, I was just... blank.

She is taking it worse. That is the painful part. She is going back to a home that we are leaving, taking care of animals I can't take care of here, and basically living our old life as I start to establish a new one. I believe there was a request for me not to get a "satisfying social life" until she finally moves here for good. I'm looking forward to that day, actually, but I'm also looking forward to doing what I need to to make this plan to have children and be happy for the rest of our days a possibility. And that means living alone for a while.

In slightly related news, I bought a bed today. One of those Sleep Number beds; we have a king-sized one at home and its wonderful, so I officially got our guest bed (a queen) for my own use. More money than I want to spend, but I'm going to get tired of sleeping on an air mattress really fast. I also ordered a USB barcode scanner, so I can finish this republish effort and post about my experiences (hopefully by the end of the week).