The Wall of Code

Somewhere around Sunday night, I hit the wall on Lethe's Yarn. So much to do, but I just couldn't find the energy or desire to actually do anything more. Instead, I spent three hours trying to work on the combat code and just got two lines of text on the screen. I just didn't want to work on it anymore. I couldn't work on it anymore and that is the part that feels like I just jammed a knife into my gut.

I hate failure. I hate not succeeding at something because I didn't know my limitations. This game, in four weeks, was too much for me and I had so much to learn. Yeah, I have another week from the extended deadline, but I'm just going to put in two minor features (avoid combat and god mode) and basically throw it out there. I can't get anything reasonable done because I pushed myself too hard.


Succeeding makes me feel good. Now, I just feel horrible, fat, and ugly. Amazing how moods can change so quickly based on perceptions of yourself. Last night, somewhere in the six hours I spent just lying in bed trying to make my brain slow down enough to sleep, I decided to just let Lethe's Yarn fly as it goes. I'll put out a request to see if people enjoy it, if they want to see it continue. If they say yes, then I'll go back. If they say no, well, I'll trunk it and learn from my experiences. Its like getting rejected for a story or novel, but instead of an editor deciding that your work isn't good enough, its an entire community of your audience giving you feedback Right Now™. Its brutal actually, but in the same way as that letter you've been waiting for a month to read.

I always wanted to be great at things. Writing, programming, games, you name it. I'm a good storyteller, but I don't know if I'm a great one. I used to say, "I just need to prove it with writing instead of a cover letter," but my rejection from Mirrorstone pretty much pointed out one thing: I'm not there yet. Of course, given my general thinking on life, it just means I need to keep on trying until I get it right. Of course, maybe avoid trying too hard and losing the forest while banging my head on the trees.